welcome fans!

i feel so unloved in Mahal na Araw. duh!

what am i thinking, Valentine’s Day? duh again!

blame me, the phrases literally synonymous.

my eyes are sore from watching dvds, net surfing and sleeping. no hassles from work, no pressure, no deadlines. this is supposed to be heaven, but it’s not.

i literally feel like a personified Biyernes Santo. despite all the comforts the season has afforded an exploited laborer like me, i am sad. haaaaay…

my heart is pinned on a cross, bleeding. i am drowning in my own blood and tears. let this suffering end with the season.

Some people pose naked for art’s sake. Some people starve for passion’s sake. Ako manlalait ako for panlalait’s sake. That means, nobody should dare ask me why. Why not?

How can it be her and not me? Kung si Celine pa ‘yan kay JB sa Maging Sino Ka Man, “Hindi naman mahirap na ako ang piliin mo, di ba?” At sasagutin naman siya ni JB ng kanyang classic line (na bad take pa pala, accdg to their director) na: “I never…said, that I love you!”

Gago! You said that you love me not once, not twice but too many times for it to be a mere Freudian slip. So am I imagining all those times? Ang tindi naman ng imagination ko!

So let this space be my bitter sanctuary…

(ang aangal, magiging kasing kalait-lait ng kulasisi mo. by the way, my thanks to Denise for the term)

So she’s THE ONE who pleases you, you which is synonymous to your humongous ego?

Bwakanang kapakshetan ‘yan!

Now, your much-revered ego is going to face some serious self-esteem problems.

What with her stunning, fresh looks, ultra sexy body, and impeccable intellectual capabilities? (sarcasm overload here)

The gods must be crazy.

Disclaimer: this piece of shit was written by someone consumed with too much bitterness and soap operas. That means, under normal circumstances, she is really a kind, sweet girl with a thing for profanities. Putang ina!

Let me cry

For I have all the right to

Here in the shower with muted tears

Let the coldness seep through my soul

I yearn for that numbness

To quell the sensations burning in my skin

The tears won’t stop flowing

No matter how hard I shut my eyes

I swore your name a million times

I curse it with every drop of tears

So let me weep.

depression is bad for poetry and literature. drat!

there are some people in our lives that affect us more than we want them to. they are the ones we love, hate, respect, value the most. i call them the superlative persons. 

there are only a few superlative persons in my life. i can count them using my fingers in just one hand. but none of them moves, threatens, influences, affects me more than you do.   

and you are abusing your power…

when you are a positive force, you can make me feel great even if my whole world is crumbling in front of me. you can make me smile while watching my future go bleaker by the moment. you can make me laugh even if i am the world’s greatest joke. you can make me forget about the whole world by just a single happy thought of you.

you are the most beautiful thing in my world. at the same time, you are the scariest.

when you feel like punishing me, you are god. my emotions act at your command. you make me cry. you make me mad. you make my mood go wild. you make me hate me. you make me hate you. and yet, i can’t get rid of the need for you.

please don’t play god on me.

i don’t know what got me the past not-so-few days that i have been absent here. maybe i had been emotionally stable. i didn’t need a blank space to release my angst, my fury, my melancholy, my life. or maybe i had grown afraid of my thoughts and what i would have said. maybe i refused to put permanence to the blunders i made by writing them down. maybe i denied you the pleasure of feeling so fortunate you are not me. or maybe, i learned to deal with the pain without announcing it to the world. maybe…

maybe i have grown mature! nah… just maybe to all of the above.

so why am i blogging now?

maybe i want to say something that really shouldn’t be said. maybe i need a blank space again for whatever purpose it serves me right now.

maybe, it’s maybelline!

my favorite TV show , the only one i watch with devotion and addiction, is over. bye-bye PDA. this is so embarrassing but i was close to tears on that last episode. it was real life drama at its best. waaaah, corny! my apologies, my tear ducts are quite abnormal. imagine, i cried THRICE while watching X-Men, The Last Stand. San ka pa?

oh, and i adore JayR.

***

recently, i made one of the greatest discoveries on my 21-year-old self: i can actually cook! and with flying colors at  that. during our camping at Mt. Pulag in Benguet, i cooked my first ever sinigang, out of pure instinct, and guess what, everybody liked it. well, they said so. swear, i’m not cooking up ideas.

maybe, the really cold weather and the heavy rains numbed their taste buds and transformed everything barely edible into a sumptuous meal.

oh and just today, i cooked rice and several canned goods for myself. i am all alone in my tita’s condo because all of them already went home for Christmas. one month of being left alone like this and i’ll be the next iron chef in town.

***

stalking people on friendster is fun. monitoring who’s screwing up who, updating yourself with the goings-on in the lives of people (read: exes) you are surprisingly still interested in, reading blogs, writing one. haaaay, my thesis waits forever. it can’t compete with friendster. everyday, i make promises to myself that this is it, this is the day i’m going to finish that damn thing called thesis.

but no! my level of disinterest can qualify in the Guinness Book of World Records. my apathy can beat the apathy of the Filipino people towards the making of a good government or the apathy of most UP students towards tuition fee increases.

new word: apathesis. wahahaha! corny! hayop…

***

BLIND ITEM: itago na lang natin siya sa pangalang YOU so it can either be singular or plural.

YOUr newest girl doesn’t amaze nor entice me. trust me, my lesbo instincts tell me i’m way cuter. HAHA! (this is MY blog! go blog your own.)

bitterherbs amapalaya here we go again!

now i pose this philosophical, phenomenological, psycho-analytical billion dollar question:

WHICH IS BETTER: ipagpalit ka ng ex mo sa MAS sayo or sa MAS ka (sa over-all package or just the mere physical)?

today is cry-day, hate-day, bad day.

thanks to public CRs which happened to be the most comforting place on earth for me today. it’s living up to its name, comfort rooms.

thank you. you listened to my quiet, controlled sobs. you temporarily hid me from the cruel, complicated world. you witnessed my rage and surrender without judgment. 

and when i flushed those tears, i am ready to face the world again with a renewed conviction to win. 

I want to quit my job and succumb to the tempting easy
money, get-rich quick lure of call centers…

but it entails too much pride swallowing and shameless
admission to the powers-that-be in my life that indeed, I was wrong. I had been
so wrong in sacrificing my studies for that job I so loved before. It was my
only source of pride in my almost wrecked existence.

I screwed up in almost everything but I always had a reason
raise my head up, because I had achieved something most people who screw up didn’t. I managed to get a “cool” job from a popular company even without a college
diploma. I thought it was so cool being an employed undergrad with a career
path very close to what I would have wanted after graduation. It was so cool,
the pressure of graduation gradually faded with time. Who needs a diploma when
it was cooler to be able to accomplish things without one? I was so damn proud
at being cool.

Lately, I realized it wasn’t that cool.

I want to have a job for the sake of money, not career, not
passion. Just plain cash. Lots of it.

I want to buy the things I drool for at department stores. I
want to eat my favorite Baked Zitti at Sbarro’s everyday. I want to hoard as
many Bread Pan and raisins and chocolates and gummy candies as I can at
supermarkets. I want to buy those great paperbacks and that pink-covered
biography of Marie Antoinette at Fully Booked. I want to hang out at coffee
shops and order as many cups of coffee as I can. I want to buy a new cellphone
for myself and for my mother. Above everything else, I just want to buy a
laptop so I can write every time I want, everywhere I am.

Ironically, my lack of college diploma allows me to
entertain that calling.

Still cool.

This is all about the word “bet.”

This is a grammar lesson, but a life lesson for someone who
should really be more careful at being so “right.”

This is an expression of extreme annoyance for that
someone who insulted me for my supposedly wrong grammar. Yeah right!

You bet, you’re wrong! BWAHAHAHAHAHAH!

(Now there’s my vengeance. Whoooh! That felt great.)

You absolutely declared that there is NO such word as “betted.”

“I betted my life on it…” This is my “grammatically
incorrect” sentence, according to you.

You bet, you’re wrong! BWAHAHAHAHAHAH again!

YES, there is a word “betted.” It’s the past participle of “bet.”
When used in a sentence as an action done in the past, “bet” can be an
irregular verb and take its original form. BUT it is also grammatically
acceptable to make it a regular verb and add “-ed” as in “betted.” (Ever wonder
why you don’t know this?)

Go check it out! You can go straight at Microsoft Word. Grab
a dictionary. Or try banging your head on the wall, it might get the air out of
it, to make way for better brain functioning.

You even asked for my course. It’s Bachelor of Arts in
JOURNALISM from the College of Mass Communications, University of the Philippines
Diliman. (Anyway, what’s yours again? And
from where?). I bet, you even gloated some more.

Now it’s my time to gloat.

(p.s. Even with my course, I don’t claim absolute expertise
on the English language and grammar. I don’t go around being so sure of my
self, correcting other people. I was actually tempted to copyread your blog
entries and post it here. But I settled for this dose of meanness.)

(p.p.s. sorry, you told me not to… but she started it. and it’s
your fault, you told her.)

what exactly happened to me the past 23 days that you’ve missed, no terribly missed, me:

(1) i almost got dismissed from my college. (for the non-UP readers, being dismissed means your college is kicking you out; you cannot continue your present course; you have to find another course in another college; imagine, i have to shift out when i have only 6 units left?! mga gago!)

wohoooh! another milestone in my turbulent academic life. ayan, mababasa na ‘to ng mga kamag-anak ko. ok lang, i found a way to bail myself out of that trouble. i appealed my case, pleaded, begged, thought of committing suicide, thought of the most dramatic way to commit suicide, thought of bomb threats to masscomm, thought of death threats to the devils responsible for my demise. i succeeded…in my appeal of course. see, i’m still alive and i’m not in prison.

that was the worst thing that happened to me EVER! it surpassed the tempests of my equally turbulent love life. when i surpassed it, nakanang, i was really floating in cloud 9.

i felt like the queen of the world!

(2) i celebrated my birthday last sunday, the 19th. it was mediocre as usual. i have no money to treat myself and others to a sumptuous meal or hold a happy beer-day with friends. see, who says money can’t buy happiness? ulol! it can, most of the time.

but pacquiao made my day, that sweet idol of mine. wohoooh! i actually got to watch it live at the  SM. my tita treated me.

i also had a special date. i won’t tell though. i don’t date and tell. hehe. it was supposed to be the highlight of my day, but it actually saddened me more. it’s not the date, it’s me. it’s not you. it’s me. although, it’s really you. it’s not the date. it’s you. it’s the whole idea of you. it’s the whole idea of me. it’s the idea! ang gulo! di niyo gets? that’s actually the intention. alam ko namang maraming nakikichismis dito eh. haha! belat!

ayan, haba na. 23 dapat ‘to eh. kulang pa ng 21. sige, i’ll leave the rest to your imagination.