ADIK AKO!
Am I destined for unhappiness?
I have this recent addiction to crying. I can’t seem to finish a day without shedding tears. I cry secretly at the office, at my room, in public CRs. And now while I am writing this, I feel like crying again. Wala lang, just for the fun of it. Gusto ko kasing maging dramatic actress. Idol ko si Ate Guy.
I cry because I am sad. I am sad because of the many things that are happening and not happening to me. I am sad because I always screw up plans, decisions, tasks. I screw up in almost every aspect of my life. And I have nothing and no one to blame but myself. That’s the hardest thing to accept.
Every time I try to make things right, to set actions straight, to correct the wrong, to change the vile, I always end up ruining all the efforts. Always. It never fails. That’s the only part where I succeed, not succeeding.
And then, I will cry again until all the hurts are gone. Temporarily. I wake up in the morning anticipating when they will come back. So I can cry again.
It is only when I feel the warmth of my tears flowing down my cheeks, the tightness and hurt in my throat and chest, the bitter feeling in my eyes, that I release my sadness. Crying makes me "happy."
But I don’t want to cry anymore. I just want to be happy.
And it’s so damn, freakin’ hard!
