welcome fans!

Hell hath no fury than a woman scorned. Let me show you the ways of being scorned…

Now shut up! I don’t wanna hear nor read your wrong grammar, wrong spelling dyslexic English anymore. The words are like knives already. Don’t cause me nosebleeds with the spelling.

"Don’t mess up with bleep or i’ll kill you." - effin you

whatever! the least you could do is to kill me, because after you, i don’t know how to forgive myself. i can’t accept this self who messed up too much of me. i can’t accept the idea of you and what you have become. am i to be blamed for everything? you are such a saint!

and what’s with messing up with that lowlife (i’ll call her whatever i want, this is my blog)? c’mon, give me some credit. i don’t stoop down that low. even if i want to, i can’t. it’s too low.

i must admit with all humility despite the generous display of arrogance above that i am bitter. oh yes, i am! wohooo! bitterherbs ampalaya. pwede na ko panlaban sa cancer.

i am bitter because i thought you were the best i’ve ever had. i am desperately clinging on to those memories of great conversations, of silly antics, of extraordinary friendship and everything else that we’ve shared. i thought we never lost it. i was hoping that even if i couldn’t bring back things exactly as they used to be, i could at least salvage the things that matter. like respect. like friendship. but i end up with none. thanks to you.

i did not easily succumb to your unreasonable anger. i fought. i struggled. i kicked. i clawed. i didn’t wanna give you up without a fight, something you didn’t even do for me.  i wanted to show you what love ( i hate this word! damn, i’m gonna erase this in my vocabulary) is all about.

that painful, prideless, irrational, tragic surrender of self. something that your rational heart couldn’t feel, appreciate or understand because you are so incapable of it.

you don’t deserve me.

It is to my greatest bereavement that I am abandoning this beloved fansite for a while. I am being sandwiched by my ill-fortune between, no among, several responsibilities that I have long avoided. And now they’re running after me like flesh-crazed maniacs. They are finally able to snag me out of my not-so-comfortable comfort zone.

In simpler terms, I am going to do my papers, my late papers, my papers for completion, my papers due next week. A thesis included. Whoah! Bwuhuhuhu!

Is the world kidding me or am I kidding myself? I can’t finish them! Ano ba?! Of course, I knew I can’t finish them. That’s why I didn’t dare do them before because I hate the thought of not finishing them. Now, I have no choice. I have to face the consequences of my escapist actions or face the wrath of hell, another failure in my already failure-ridden life!

So I must go. Be brave. Walk into the valley of death.

And you, my dear fans, will be left here, miserable, waiting for the return of your most revered master.

Oh this is just me venting out my exhaustions. there are no moral lessons in this post nor quotable quotes nor juicy chismax about my dead lovelife. now my dear fans are disappointed. ulol!

this is the second consecutive day that i sleep at 8am. today, it’s work that kept me up. yesterday, it was cinderella man. no, he’s not a new code name for whoever fuckin’ new male prospect in my life. it’s the title of a movie by russel crowe. it’s really good though. it made me cry several times. but don’t you trust my tear ducts because they’re kinda OA. i also cried in X-men 3.

it’s also pretty thrilling for a biopic, which i am a sucker of. my favorite movie is "a beautiful mind," also a biopic and hey, also by russel crowe.

also, last night, i watched the movie, "Step Up" at Galleria. it’s a dance movie, very similar to "You Got Served" and several others. well, is it good? it’ s feel good so it’s just supposed to make you feel good after. and it did make me feel good. just that though. the lead male, Channing Tatum (see picture here) is really hoooot! blazing hot. i guess his mere sight will make any female feel damn good.

‘yun lang. sabi sa inyo eh, walang kwenta!

p.s. see channing’s photos. if that’s not hot, i don’t know what is. one juicy guy!

I once told someone that love is a like a bad vice, I wish I know how to quit it. But that time, I was talking about him. Long before, this was spoken in "Brokeback Mountain," I already said this line to someone. *yabang*

Indeed, love is a bad vice. Something worse than smoking. Or drinking. At least smoking affects only your lungs, drinking your liver. Of course, they can also kill brain cells, make your tummy larger, or affect your heart but at least you don’t immediately feel its effects.

Love, on the other hand, seems to affect almost everything, even the tip of your toenails, because it attacks the core of your being, your brain. It affects your lungs because you smoke more when you feel alone. It affects your liver because people turn to alcohol when love fails them. It affects your toenails because when you’re in love, you want to make every little detail perfect, even the tip of your toenails. When you lose love, all you can think of is your broken heart, you neglect your toenails.

The damage done by love cannot be repaired by medication. There are no pills for broken hearts nor are there operations to mend it. It just heals by itself.

When, where, how, and why? Only love can tell when, where, how and why it will go away. It’s not even a choice nor a decision. Those who think they wield power on love to have it at their beck and call or to remove it as they please are fools who can’t tell gold from pyrite. Love is nobody’s slave. It’s more of a spell, a magic, or even a curse.

Love is such a bad vice. The addiction can be so severe depending on how much you enjoyed it. The purer you get, the worse the addiction. And recently, I have discovered first hand, that of all the other vices, it is the hardest to quit.

Now, I officially quit smoking. I have also remained sober for quite a significant period of time, considering my circumstances.

But still, I am a sucker for love.

"Fortunes such as mine that fall so low can only rise again." - Robinhood

I never knew Robinhood had his words of wisdom. I thought he was just a noble thief who believed that actions speak louder than words. How can he be so right?

Finally, I’m out of the Great Depression. I recovered just like the United States of America did. Hehe, very corny.

What or who was the reason? HAH, just me and my lack of pride, my careless and foolish actions, my masochistic attitude, and my never-giving up spirit. If you knew what I did, you would have called me pathetic, lowly, cheap, stupid, idiot or all of the above. But what the heck, it got me out of my misery.

The end justifies the means.

Sometimes, to overcome pain, you just have to hurt more until you get tired of it. You’ll be happy at the slightest instance.

qUOtABLE quOTe fOr tHe dAy:

"pasensya ka na ha, wala kasi akong pride. minsan nagkakaron pero nawawala rin agad."

dA wHo ang sinabihan ko niyan ngayong araw, naku, napakadaling hulaan. what’s the word, that’s the word?! just text FUCK space U space ! to 2366.

anyway, i got my McShaker Fries which means, I succeeded in passing my late paper. HAHA! move over, make way for the queen of late submissions!

i just had one hour of sleep for the past 24 hours and here i am still blogging my way to my inevitable destiny of greatness.

today i’ve proven how determined i am when i want something so badly. i can go so far as 30 missed calls (full blast missed calls ha, as in the kind where you’d wait for the operator to speak and then dial again until operator speaks again). and when finally, i got an answer, it’s the answer i don’t want to hear. yeah, that’s me, loser. three dimensional, bold letters, all caps. 

then tears start to form in my eyes, my throat gets that familiar tightness. i’ll look up. blink back. cut it, stupid! you’re in mcdonald’s for your sake. suddenly, i don’t like my Mcshaker Fries anymore.

then my kowtable kowt.

"pasensya na kayo ha, wala kasi akong pride. minsan nagkakaron pero nawawala rin agad."

How’s that for a blog topic? Isn’t that so interesting? *sarcastic tone*

Anybody interested, raise your hairs!

HAH! I am currently writing a paper on that, as usual, another late one. I was supposed to pass this last Monday, but I’m submitting it today. Still, I haven’t finish it. Crap, all the luck in the world for me. If my professor accepts it, I’ll treat myself with McShaker Fries at Mcdo. If not, I’ll punish myself by not buying it. So I hope he accepts it coz I’ve been salivating for these fries for a week now.  Whoah!

So what about the state of alternative journalism? Yeah, what about it? Maybe the reason why I can’t seem to finish this paper, aside from my inherent laziness and depression episodes this wee, is that I have nothing to say about it. If my professor reads this, hah, goodbye McShaker Fries.

Do you, my dear fans (journalism students exempted), even know what alternative journalism means? I doubt. I’m even going to bet my McShaker Fries for it.

Alternative journalism is the brand of journalism that’s not mainstream, hence, alternative. HAH! Mga bobo! When you don’t know how to define something, just define it by what it’s not. Juk lang! =)

To elaborate further (nakanang…), alternative journalism is strictly responsible journalism minus the profits. Organizationally speaking, alternative media are not profit-oriented. Content-wise, alternative media provides more hard-hitting, critical, maybe even radical presentation and/or interpretation of news and current events, while still adhering to basic journalistic principles of truth, fairness, objectivity, balance and accuracy (Did I miss out something? Sana wala, or my Journ profs are gonna kill me).

Naliwanagan kayo?

E.g. Bulatlat.com, Pinoy Weekly (kakaibang tabloid ‘to, try niyo), Philippine Center for Investigative Journalism, Philippine Journalism Review.

Nevah heard? It’s because they’re not mainstream and because they’re not profit-oriented, they’re having a hard time sustaining their operations much more expanding it. So you, my dear fans, are unaware of their wretched, heroic existence.

Now, I realize why I can’t seem to finish my paper. Because this is exactly what I want to shove to my professor’s face who happens to be an alternative media practitioner—that no matter how they work their altruistic asses to death, they will never impact the broader of society because they will remain forever obscure until they learn to do it the mainstream way. 

How can they influence people with their enlightened views when the bulk of the people, including you my fans, don’t even know about them? Davah?!

I-cut and paste ko na lang kaya itong blog entry na ‘to at ilagay sa paper ko? Empty threat. Baka ipakain pa sa ‘kin ng prof ko ang paper ko.

Of course, these words will remain in this blog. And only you, my fans, will delight in their wisdom.

My McShaker Fried matters more.

I am a certified Friendster addict. No denying, Friendster is my favorite site. I have never logged on to the web and failed to pay homage to this most wonderful invention.

Aside from the civil status of friends I keenly take note of, another Friendster feature that intrigues me most is the "Who’s Viewed Me" part. Of course, I configured my account not to show my identity when viewing other’s profile so I appear to them as a statistic as they appear to me.

But admit it, don’t you ever get curious on who are these people constantly checking out your profile? Isn’t it flattering when you get like n-views a day? Doesn’t it also interest you to know how much other people get, sort of a popularity contest?

Well, I’m curious. I’m flattered. And I’m really interested.

Am I destined for unhappiness?

I have this recent addiction to crying. I can’t seem to finish a day without shedding tears. I cry secretly at the office, at my room, in public CRs. And now while I am writing this, I feel like crying again. Wala lang, just for the fun of it. Gusto ko kasing maging dramatic actress. Idol ko si Ate Guy.

I cry because I am sad. I am sad because of the many things that are happening and not happening to me. I am sad because I always screw up plans, decisions, tasks. I screw up in almost every aspect of my life. And I have nothing and no one to blame but myself. That’s the hardest thing to accept.

Every time I try to make things right, to set actions straight, to correct the wrong, to change the vile, I always end up ruining all the efforts. Always. It never fails. That’s the only part where I succeed, not succeeding.

And then, I will cry again until all the hurts are gone. Temporarily. I wake up in the morning anticipating when they will come back. So I can cry again.

It is only when I feel the warmth of my tears flowing down my cheeks, the tightness and hurt in my throat and chest, the bitter feeling in my eyes, that I release my sadness. Crying makes me "happy."

But I don’t want to cry anymore. I just want to be happy.

And it’s so damn, freakin’ hard! 

WHAT OPRAH WROTE ABOUT MEN

…and some of my comments

• If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.

• If he doesn’t want you, nothing can make him stay.

…so quit depending on that hope that if you do this or that, if you show him you’ll give up your life for him, he’ll stay, because he won’t. if he does so, it’ll just be out of gratitude and he’ll only stay as long as that gratitude lasts.

• Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.

• Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.

…if you find yourself making excuses, it’s time to step back and rethink why you are doing so.

• Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that’s not meant to be. Slower is better.

…if it’s really meant to be, you should be accepted for who you are.

• Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.

… or you’ll end up defining your happiness through him

• If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can’t "be friends". A friend wouldn’t mistreat a friend. Don’t settle.

… ouch! tinamaan ako dito. a friend wouldn’t mistreat a friend.

• If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.

• Don’t stay because you think "it will get better." You’ll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.

… if it’s supposed to get better, it shouldn’t start out so worse.

• The only person you can control in a relationship is you.

… unless under mo siya. and he’s really into you. so stop pinning your hopes on other people.

• Avoid men who’ve got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn’t marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?

… marami pang susustentuhan. wah na pangdate pagdating sayo. pano ‘pag namatay pa ‘yung mga nanay, e di ikaw pa ang mag-aalaga?

• Always have your own set of friends separate from his.

…this is so true! ask me.

• Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.

… alangan namang the sky is the limit. baka malula ka.

• If something bothers you, speak up.

…unless you’re mute.

• Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.

…true! mas mapagkakatiwalaan pa ang aso. at hindi siya diary.

• You cannot change a man’s behavior. Change comes from within.

…and even if you can, why should you do so? he should do it for himself.

• Don’t EVER make him feel he is more important than you are…even if he has more education or in a better job.

… especially if you are way above him in education or job. don’t make yourself seem inferior just to win his favor, or he’ll make you feel inferior you’ll almost believe it. although most men love that.

• Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.

… and you are a woman, nothing less. a goddess too.

• Never let a man define who you are.

… they’re not dictionaries. they may define you way below your real meaning.

• Never borrow someone else’s man. If he cheated with her, he’ll cheat on you.

… becoz if it’s something borrowed, it’s not yours. you have to return it at the end of the day. even if you keep it, it will never be yours.

• A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.

… so allow him to treat you only the best way you should be treated.

• All men are NOT dogs.

… they’re wolves. they devour.

• You should not be the one doing all the ending…compromise is a two way street.

… hindi ka rin diktador! at ang mga diktador, napapatalsik sa pwesto.

• You need time to heal between relationships…there is nothing cute about baggage…

… all baggages are heavy. or else, hindi na sila baggae, pwede na silang handcarry.

• Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.

… this is so me! or those issues will haunt you forever.

• You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you… a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals…

… ano ka Jerry Maguire? and you are not incomplete to start with.

• look for someone complimentary…not supplementary.

• Dating is fun…even if he doesn’t turn out to be Mr. Right.

… so is flirting.

• Make him miss you sometimes… when a man always know where you are and you’re always readily available to him - he takes it for granted.

… show him your worth. because if you’re really worth something, he’ll miss that worth.

• Never move into his mother’s house.

… i don’t know about this. but i surely don’t want to do this. baka gawin lang akong katulong.

• Never co-sign for a man.

… sa bangko ba ‘to? sa loans?

• Don’t fully commit to a man who doesn’t give you everything that you need.

… or at least tries. wag naman masyadong materialistic.

• Share this with other women and men (just so they know)…You’ll make someone smile, another rethink her choices, and another woman prepare.